Cultural Identity Highlights: On Age, Sex-Gender, and Sexuality

I’ve started writing about Cultural Identity in one of my previous blogposts, laying out the foundation of what it means based on Jameson (2007) in the context of intercultural business communication. In this blogpost, I will expand my explanation of my evolving aspects of cultural identity, what values they carry, and how they impact on my professional life and my intercultural (business) communication. Generally, understanding ourselves more deeply helps us make sense of our place in the world and navigate a variety of socio-cultural dynamics we are parts of. When we understand ourselves better, we help ourselves understand others (and vice versa). In this self-reflection, I will focus on some of the following aspects only: 1) age and generation, 2) sex-gender, and 3) sexuality or sexual orientation. In the Cultural Identity model, these aspects are parts of the “Biological Traits with Cultural Aspects.” This means that these aspects have a degree of biological realities that are also interacting with the environments, facilitating the emergence of certain values or beliefs.

AGE AND GENERATION

I was born in 1985, putting me in the category of the early millennials or the Xennials generation - meaning that there will be some influences of the Gen-X in my nature. Around this time and in my area, people my age typically have had kids (I have two kids) and the oldest is perhaps in the late teenage years (as of this writing, my oldest is 15 years old) - though some are not married and/or do not have kids, either by choice or not by choice. This means that I sense that people around my age tend to have a more flexible idea about whether one is supposed to be married or have kids. While the Indonesian reality overall tends to be more collectivistic, there is already a sense of individuality and it is part of social acceptance. On the one hand, we do not typically question someone’s reality of being married or not. Nevertheless, on the other hand, some may feel the pressure of having to be married, especially when their cultural-religious backgrounds have the idea of “marriage” in their “script” (check out what the “script theory” is, including here).

During our teenage years, we were typically exposed to not only Hollywood movies and American series (I particularly tuned in to Power Rangers), but also telenovelas from Mexico and Latin America, kungfu series from China / Hong Kong, and cartoons and serials from Japan (I watched Saint Seiya, Sailor Moon, Doraemon, Dragon Balls, Detective Conan, Wedding Peach). Many of us, including I, played video games. I was very much into Sonic, Mortal Combat, Dragon Ball, Xena the Warrior Princess, Smackdown, among others. These choices, with some having more feminine qualities and others having more masculine qualities, can somehow relate to the sex-gender discussion as well (see below) and sexual orientation. In addition, while still developing, the internet was already there during this time and the celullar system was burgeoning. To our consciousness, we saw that technological developments were developing rather rapidly. As young adults, we had to navigate the evolution. We became more interconnected.

Being of a particular age also biologically permits the kinds of social roles that we are likely (more or less) to occupy or enact. In my case, it was a choice to get married and plan to have children. Influenced at that time by a certain form of cultural-religious upbringings, I began to seriously plan on getting married when I turned 23 years old even before I had the candidate. By this, it also means being engaged in a heterosexual marriage, where I expected my partner to be a woman. There was no other relational arrangement made mentally possible at that time. In my head at that time, any woman I particularly liked could be a potential candidate. Long story short, I chose a close female friend of mine whom I actually asked to also help me look for candidates.

Before getting married, we discussed about the possibility of getting a child, emphasizing that we would be fine if we were not granted any child from our marriage. Not long after I turned 24, I was married. Despite being okay if we could not have any kid, the plan to want to have kids on my part was alive. Our first child was born in 2010 and the second was born in 2017. In our marriage, as were surrounded by multiple logics - from a more conservative tone to a more progressive tone, we had no fixed ideal when it comes to the roles of me as a husband or a father. These roles were rather fluid. Nevertheless, because my wife decided to dedicate her life “at home,” this part of our marriage was more conservative, where I became the breadwinner and she became the housewife. So, it was more of a pragmatic decision. Philosophically, however, none of us had a fixed ideal when it comes to gender roles in marriage. Our ideal would often clash with some of the immediate family members who were more conservative in their outlook on gender roles. In certain occasions, we also often chose to simply “follow the rules.”

Overall, being part of this age group seems to me to introduce a more personalized, individualized, self whereby we tend to be more open to various cultures where the development of the interconnected world was seen - note that this could also be attributed to the fact that I’ve lived in a rather major city (Bandung) - which is tied to the cultural identity aspect of geography - where access to information, along with its development, was and is more readily available.

SEX-GENDER

Even though I’ve never gotten myself tested in terms of all of the biological aspects that make up a person’s sex (please simply look for the scientific study of biological sex with its complex nature), I’ve known and identified myself as a male (and a man as its extension). I’ve only known this fact only from my genital reality (along with its functions) - through certain symbolisms and practices in my socio-cultural contexts (e.g., certain haircut styles, clothes I was expected to wear, circumcision, etc.) - and certain biological developments that I understand to be more common happening in males (such as voice, body & facial hair, etc.). Because of this understanding, as a young man, I was aware that there were things I was more comfortable sharing with my male friends versus my female friends (and vice versa). Note that, scientifically, other than genitals, a more complete understanding of sex would also include at least other aspects such as chromosomes, hormones, and gonads (and all these do not necessarily match the “typical” definition of “males” and “females”). But “male” and “female” theoretically refer to “sex” as a biological concept while man/boy and woman/girl refer to “gender” as a sociological concept.

Before the age of 6, I had a close male friend in my neighborhood who was more or less my age (and another make friend, who was younger). My female friends in the neighborhood were younger. Ever since I moved to a different elementary school, we did not hang out that much - but still occasionally. In my new school, I became close friends more with girls and developed my more feminine habit, such as collecting stickers (like girls did). Occassionally, I played sports with the boys, both in the neighborhood and in school. While sometimes I felt different from the other boys as I wasn’t that much into team sports, I nonetheless felt included by the boys - there was this kind of validation that I was also part of the boys because of my biological reality, not only the girls. I also had a very close male friend in the elementary school that I often found myself hanging out with.

So looking back at my evolution, I have come to realize that despite my male reality, my feminine side (e.g., not dominating, being softer, more sensitive) was and is also alive. Growing up, I used to feel isolated, away from my male colleagues because of this. I did not feel that I was part of them in any way - as I mentioned, when they did include me, I felt validated. But this was like once in a while, not something that happened regularly. Most of my male classmates (especially starting the middle school) were seen to behave more aggressively and joked around more. My male-to-male friendship tended to be more one-on-one - the friends that did not or do not look down on me because of this side of me. I liked listening to music, particularly to songs from pop & R&B divas or female singers (Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera) and boybands (Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, etc.) and sing along to them. At times, I had to hide this part of me (especially from my male colleagues) as these songs felt more feminine. Only in later adulthood that I see my feminine side more as one of my strengths.

Nevertheless, there was one occasion towards the end of my middle school or junior high school where I felt very connected to my male friends. Due to a certain dynamic with my previous group of male friends where I felt very humiliated (and I cried at that time) - this was 2nd grade middle school or 8th grade, I was subsequently placed in a rather “educated” class of the school in 9th grade (as a result of my choice as well). My interaction with the boys of these different “classes” felt like day and night, with the previous one being less welcoming to me. My male friends in the 9th grade were more friendly towards me and I felt very much included in their circle - without me having to try. Perhaps just like many boys around this age, many of us became very comfortable with each other and decided that we would watch “sexual movies” (read: porn) together to “celebrate” our education milestone. Both the more extraverted and introverted guys were very comfortable with each other. We joked around but never felt demeaning in any way. This was, I think, an instrumental period where I became more comfortable with my masculinity, towards the end of my high school years. I felt it was a real camaraderie where the boys were there to make themselves and each other felt comfortable.

During my high school years, I had a circle group of friends consisting of both males and females. I also became close with a male friend from my English language course and I felt good whenever I was around him. Friendship was a lot nicer here during the period. With my female friends, our conversations were more emotional in nature. With my male friends, the conversations were related more to all the fun stuff, including the sexual. Between a female friend and a male friend that were in constant banters with one another, I was somehow the middleman who understood both sides. I was simply comfortable in their presence.

My masculine side grew further when I was in college, where I began to feel more confident. Through undergraduate and my master’s study years, I was close to both male and female friends. I had also listened to more varied genres of music, not only music from pop divas, but also rock, country, R&B, and jazz/soul. With female close friends, I was typically able to share emotions and they would do the same thing. With my male friends, it was more like fun, joking around, moments and it was rarely something too serious about life - but sometimes, we could delve into emotions and it was a great thing. While I had close female friends, I think I hanged out more with the boys (as they also came from various cultural backgrounds). It was perhaps stereotypical, but it was what I felt and I was in the middle between the boys and the girls.

My marriage to a woman also somehow fed the masculine side of me, for better or worse. Naturally and sexually, I would understand myself to be the party who would provide my “seed” towards the female/woman I married to enable for procreation to happen. I had enjoyed being a husband and a father. Nevertheless, for some time, I had been affected by the social expectation of “being a husband” that it actually made me less happy - as opposed to “being myself.” Then I realized that my masculine side could also make it more difficult for me to understand my partner. To be honest, being in a heterosexual marriage, I felt that I shared some of the struggles being “the man” in the relationship, such as feeling the responsibility of being the “provider” of the family and so on. Like many men in a heterosexual marriage, I would be the person who would be waiting outside or simply following when the lady was doing the shopping. My spouse would be the one who would be more concerned about the kids’ meals, and so on. Whether these behaviors were/are innately our respective characteristics or things that had/have been socio-culturally conditioned is up for debates. Nevertheless, for quite some time, there had been unresolved issues when it came to my internal feminine and masculine dynamics within my heterosexual marriage. But for some years now, I have managed to somehow be comfortable with both my feminine and masculine parts of the self and they are more harmonized and I am much more conscious than before.

Interestingly, many of my students (both men and women) went on to choose “gender” as a topic for their final project or thesis. Somehow, this tendency has also given me a reflection of how the topic of gender has been both present in my personal and professional lives. They somehow inform one another. Overall, my sex-gender identity gives me an understanding of the need to embrace both my feminine and masculine tendencies in their most authentic nature while I am placed in this life as a male/man. I do not need to fit in to the stereotypical male. Professionally, this also means that I tend to have a visionary element and a sensitive element, where both can be consciously played out in their best shape.

SEXUALITY - SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

My previous blogposts have started to delve into the notion of one’s sexuality or sexual orientation. One is about my journey with the topic of sexuality or sexual orientation and the other is about male-to-male bonding, which also intersects the discussion on sex-gender. Overall, my understanding of my sexuality or sexual orientation is one that speaks about the complexity of human and male sexuality that is also related to my more balanced femininity-masculinity. While there is bisexuality and pansexuality elements, there is also the asexual nature to my sexuality make-up. So I’ve decided not to label my sexuality altogether while acknowledging the inner sexual dynamics that can go in multiple directions.

Throughout my life, there have been girls or women that I find myself attracted to - including the lady I married to. Looking back, these women tend to have a rather masculine energy. She feels this way too about me - that she shares this masculine energy similar to at least one of the previous girls I was attracted to. But there have also been boys or men that I find myself “drawn” to as well. When I was younger, I was not particularly aware of how I would need to label this type of attraction or affection towards people of the same sex or gender. What I am now aware is that while friendships with the guys were there, there were occasions where the nature of the friendships or connection was deeper. Also as I could spot females or women who were attractive, I could do the same thing for males or men - but at times, I found myself simply “denying” the guys’ attractiveness - for fear that it could mean something else I did not want to associate with. That “denying” part was partly a result of a test I was voluntarily asked to do during my senior high school (which I was not aware that it would reveal something about my sexual orientation). The test result revealed that I could have the potential to be “going the other direction.” At that time, I was shocked. But I managed to tell this guy in my high school about it. Interestingly, he was not one the closest ones in terms of hanging out. But I was comfortable enough with him as I think I found him to be “sexually more open to what I had to say.” Personality-wise, he was one of the more attractive guys that was able to “see me” somehow. Personality-wise, the men that I have been “drawn to” are typically like him or those that have a very welcoming attitude towards me. The fact about the test was also something I brought up before I got married as I wanted to make sure that she knew about me sexually. But I ensured that I would never want to take “that path.” But as years gone by and things changed, my view has also changed drastically.

Without going into more details, in more than 40 years of my life, it is enough for me to say that certain types of any gender’s physicality can also “speak to me.” Throughout my life, I’ve also had certain experiences & encounters that have given me immensely insightful lessons about my sexual nature that I won’t be able to speak in detail. It is enough for me to say that such experiences are meaningful to me. They have “destroyed” all the baseless, ungrounded, prejudices I previously had that are associated with sexuality or sexual orientation. I have accepted and loved all that I am, including in terms of sexual orientation.

If I have to make sense of my nature of sexuality, it may be very much related to the feminine-masculine balance that is an integral part of me. This sex-gender nature, I think, is also in line with my nature of sexuality in both a straightforward way and a complex way. At one point, having had lived for most of my adult life with a woman (in a heterosexual marriage), naturally I would feel the need to charge myself with fellow men. My typical types of engagement with different men are also different across men, depending on the acceptability within any given context. My relationship with men can be those of “bro-ship” but it can also be something else or beyond it (see my other post on male-to-male bonding).

Relating my experiences back to the generation, my close friends (both males and females) whom I shared this side of me with are also more or less more open to this reality. When I had not experienced my sexuality to the current degree, I was also already open. It was just that, at some point, I had kept this non-heteronormative side of me deeply hidden, had tried to deny it, had been ashamed of it, and had wished that it went away. But I was in the wrong. I have now learned to accept and love me for the dynamics of my existence.

Why is this sexual reality important to realize? It is very much related to our internal happiness. Sex, along with our sexual nature, is a foundation of our existence. Accepting and loving our nature for what it is becomes a central tool to embed confidence in our existence and our presence. It is also a humbling experience as we feel internally loved. But how is or was this realization conflicting with my religious-spiritual conviction? Now, after learning more from countless sources, I am in a state of peaceful belief that it is now completely in line. Everything in our nature is to be enabled to be alive and nurtured to expand its potentials. Sexuality, particularly, provides a lens into appreciating the beauties of existence and their empowering aura.

PARENTS’ ROLES

How do I relate this to the nature of my father and mother and their way of nurturing me? It is first important for me to note that there is no regret in any way of what my parents have given me and I have felt incredibly grateful for how they have helped shape me. First off, the fact that I was born was a result of them or their nature.

At that time, my mother had lost his father and I grew up also being in the company of my grandmother (mother’s mother), who would always protect me. I remember vividly that I was taken to this women’s empowerment group by my grandmother when I was in the elementary school. My mother was a working mother and had a very dominant, yet loving, tendency. Being a medical doctor, she had always wanted to study engineering at ITB but she wasn’t allowed. She also graduated from the best high school in Bandung. Overall, she was a confident woman, taught by a father once worked in a British company. She felt that she wanted to “be a man” because of the privileges given to men - meanwhile, she had to work extra. She tried what she could to balance her career and her time with me and my little brother. My father was also working. As a geologist, he often went to the fields. Also having been quite independent from his parents and educated in the Netherlands, he would take me walking for hours when I was a kid. In comparison to my mother, my father was less dominant in his reach towards me.

In their busyness, there were moments where I perhaps would wish to be more intimate with both of my parents. My mother would generally be more available, both in an emotional sense or a physical sense. This has perhaps contributed to my longing for male-to-male intimacy. With women, I generally enjoyed seeing them in their strength and individuality, perhaps a reflection of my image of my mother - whom I have seen as a strong woman. Despite all these and exactly because of all these, nothing is to regret. Whatever has happened during my childhood leading to adulthood regarding my sex-gender dynamics and sexuality is, I believe, meant to be. Everything I have felt is love, in a way that may not be conventionally understood. I love my parents for who they were and are.

CONCLUSION

Reflecting on the aspects of age and generation, sex-gender, and sexuality or sexual orientation, I’ve come to realize the value of being inclusive, being open, being balanced, and learning from experiences. The generational context(s) I’ve been part of have allowed me to embrace openness. The sex-gender self-understanding enables for balance in feminine and masculine qualities. The sexuality or sexual orientation aspect of my existence translates into the creative spirit to go beyond the pre-defined, restrictive, knowledge.

As we have seen, these three aspects (as part of biological aspects with cultural aspects) are highly intertwined in contributing to my personality and values. I have also touched on other aspects such as geography and philosophy (including religion). I understand myself to be a biologically male being, with balanced feminine and masculine qualities and sexually fluid and inclusive nature that collectively translate into certain forms of creative force that contribute to my work or profession. As I am aging further and having more experiences, all the things I have highlighted could potentially evolve and be adjusted.

Completed on September 20, 2025